Sex Chat Funny Fails: I’m a sex chat addict

Hello there, dear reader. Now you might be thinking that this is impossible! A woman? Addicted to a sexy thing? How could it be!? But yes, reader, you are indeed reading the first-hand account of a total sex chat addict.
Because, believe it or not… the female libido isn’t a myth! I’m living proof it exists, in in this case it’s a wild one.
I’m a total child of the internet so I was chatting with stranger online via sites like Club Penguin before I had my driver’s license. But it wasn’t long after I entered high school that I discovered sites that were geared more toward teens and young adults with the same goal of Club Penguin.
I floated around sites like Meez and Zwinky (may they both rest in peace) before graduating to more anonymous sites like Omegle and more adult focused sites like IMVU or InstantChat.
Here’s my brief but 100% true tell all about how I got addicted to sexting online:
• ASL? Role? What?
When you start going on more anonymous sites people usually start conversations with the abbreviated question: ASL? This stands for age, sex, and location. I found that when I was honest about my answer (18, Female, USA), I was usually met with very flirty conversations.
I started to try to ask this question first before the other person because I wanted to see if I actually wanted to talk to them. I didn’t want to be catfished by someone adjusting their age to something I might like. I quickly learned how to spot the fakes.
But when I was very honest and wasn’t trying to troll my conversation partner and the flirtation rolled in, I was shocked at first! But then I started flirting back.
I started to notice when people asked what my role was. This, I came to find out, was in reference to bdsm! Soon I started answering that question with either “top/bottom” and believe me those sexts got kinky fast!
I was starting to very quickly understand how to navigate these sites and gain a need for online attention from these flirty strangers.
• Ah, the benefits of AP
It wasn’t long after my experimentation with Omegle that I graduated to the cam section. But when I wanted to lounge around without makeup on, I’d go on IMVU.
I noticed that there were some people with a badge that read AP… so I did some investigation and found that if you bought the pass and verified your age you could dress your avatar in and see others dressed in explicit outfits… I had to get it.
I quickly swindled some guy who wanted my attention into gifting it to me and after that I don’t think I left my room for days…
I was consumed by the fantasy of perfect men and perfect pixilated sex.
• Who needs real friends?
For a while I didn’t really socialize. Why would I need to when I had my internet friends (and several internet boyfriends)… I’ve toned it down as of late because actually having sex with real live people is kinda, sorta BETTER.
But there are days where I hide from my current boyfriend to go online and sext with strangers… because sometimes fantasy is more appealing than people.

5 Unspken rules of having a fuck buddy [must read!!]

Casual dating has basically become synonymous with dating in the 21st century. Nothing is ever serious or anything, but a casual fuck buddy.  Unless you’ve explicitly sat down and announced to the other that you’re trying to find a serious relationship, it’s almost always assumed that everything is casual.
And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Those of us who are emotional might have a difficult time holding off the emotions when casually banging someone, and those of us who are less emotional might have a difficult time understanding what kind of communication is expected in this kind of arrangement (yes, you do have to communicate with your fuck buddy).

Here are some unspoken rules for having a fuck buddy:

1. Keep it casual
You’re casually dating remember? So, don’t make things anything but casual. This means no dates other than Netflix and Chill (which we all know is just code for sex) or late-night excursions for pre/post-coital snacks.

You should limit your time around one another during the daytime. Sure, you can meet up at a bar, but I don’t recommend going out together (leaving together on the other hand is allowed).
Just don’t act like a couple!

2. Don’t spend the night
While it might be tempting to drift off after a seriously great romp in the sheets, you really should pull yourself out of that bed and go home. Why? Well, odds are if you’re actually sleeping together you’re going to develop some kind of feelings.

Sleeping in the same bed as someone is intimate, it’s like you’re building trust. Plus, too much cuddling might cause some butterflies to flutter up when you should be keeping this extremely causal.

I know it’s difficult but insist that you catch an Uber home or that your partner leave too. Maybe even preface your sex-sesh by saying that you have to get up early or that you need that person to go home so no one falsely assumes the other can spend the night.

3. Don’t pillow talk about feelings
I’m not going to tell you that you can’t participate in any amount of pillow talk, because that can be important to finding out what the other likes and doesn’t like in bed, but I’ll tell you that you should avoid talking about feelings.

If you’re going to talk about your day, don’t expect the other to console you in any other way aside from sexually.

As soon as you expect a certain amount of emotional support from the other is when things go wrong.

4. See other people, be honest about it
While you’re casually fucking someone you should know that you should be seeing other people. You can be seeing these other people in a serious capacity or a casual one, but you do need to let your partner know if you’re banging someone else so they can keep themselves safe sexually.

5. If and when you catch the feels, here’s what to do:
Catching feelings is a hazard that’s hard to avoid. So, I can basically guarantee that you’re going to catch feelings at some point. If you do, be honest. Maybe they’ve caught feelings too, but don’t get your hopes up. Be ready for rejection.

Or you could go the easy route and run away! Run far, far away from the feels!

Here are the 5 Funniest Podcasts Out Right Now:

Sometimes there’s nothing more uncomfortable than a quiet house or walk to work. While there is something to being in silence, but sometimes it can be unsettling. For me, the best solution to uncomfortable silence (other than Spotify) is to put on a podcast.

You could always put the news on the television but that could be stressful. I like to listen to something with a little bit more of a comforting story. Because lets be honest, most news broadcasts are mostly people arguing back and forth senselessly on a topic that would better be discussed calmly.

Here are some of my favorite comedic podcasts that you should definitely give a listen the next time you can’t stand the quiet.

  1. My Dad Wrote a Porno
    I may or may not be listening to this right now…
    But honestly, this NSFW podcast is an absolutely hilarious. The name of the podcast is spot on… it’s literally about one of the comedian’s father’s erotica.
    Him and his two comedian friends read through his father’s – who they only refer by his pen name, Rocky Flinstone – erotica called Belinda Blinked.
    You’ll find yourself cackling outload to such a degree that your neighbors might think that you’re having a mental break.
  2. Your Mom’s House
    If you’ve ever wondered what it’d be like to be a comedian married to another comedian, you must listen to this podcast. Tom Segura and Christina Pazsitzky is are both hilarious on their own, but give these married standup comedians a podcast and you’ll find yourself shook… with laughter.
    These two have no qualms talking about their sex life, touching on hilariously terrible topics, and entertaining their devoted fans.
    You really ought to check this out if you’re looking to laugh at some seriously depraved humor.
  3. Anna Faris is Unqualified
    You might know Anna Faris as the House Bunny one of the girls from the Scary Movie series or as Chris Pratt’s ex-wife. Either way, you may forget that that this woman is seriously funny.
    Her podcast includes discussions with celebrity guests (most of which who usually don’t make it to the usual late night shows or podcasts), rousing games of would-you-rather?, and her answering her listeners’ relationship advice.
    If you’re looking to listening to something that feels relatable – as you too might feel “unqualified” – you really ought to check out this podcast!
  4. Guys We Fucked
    I mean… how could you go wrong with a podcast with this name?
    In the #MeToo era, co-hosts Krystyna Hutchinson and Corinne fisher set out to start a project where they talked with men they’ve slept with. While it started as two women talking to men they’d fucked, it blossomed into a full-fledged feminist podcast complete with testimonials, confessionals, and discussions with experts.
    If you’re looking for some uncensored, R-rated girl power. Give this a listen!
  5. 2 Dope Queens
    Odds are you’ve probably heard from Phoebe Robinson and/or Jessica Williams. These two have risen to comedic fame pretty quickly… but their podcast has topped the charts!
    Tune it to hear 2 Dope (and comedic) Queens talk about everything from celebrities to relationships to pop culture! This is definitely worth a listen.